Monday, May 07, 2007

Jackass - The Weekend

Another weekend, come and gone. I do feel slightly better, and have since Friday night. Great huh? Not really! I feel just bad enough to be a little pissed off, but also just good enough to have expectations of being an active parent instead of lounging around. I have tried to fake it all weekend, but no go.

Since I was looking better, we made plans Saturday to get my daughter's 1 year pictures taken. We are about 3 months late due to continued bruising as she has been trying to get a handle on walking.

The picture session at Sears Portrait studios was nothing short of a fiasco! "Okay, have your 1 yo stand on this X and your 2 yo stand behind her......" Yeah, all of that stand here, sit on this, etc went over like a lead balloon.

It rained here most of the afternoon Saturday, and Lil' 'Dude did not take his standard afternoon nap, so we just hung out and played in the house.

I usually stay up late on Saturdays. This weekend, I was watching one of the NBA playoff games, and decided to be a nice guy, cause that's how I roll, and clean up the entire downstairs (putting things away, dishes, cleaning counters, etc.....) while everyone slept. Truthfully, if you knew me, you'd know that I actually don't roll like this, so I guess that made it all the better of a surprise.

Sunday was the big Toys R Us trip to buy a water table, sand box, and a riding toy. Pretty standard trip. Lil' Dude, or course, wanted everything in the store, but we made it out sans any random toys. I even picked up a little sumthin sumthin for me, I mean the kids.....you guys remember this thing?

And now to the highlight of the weekend. First a little back story. I seem to have developed some sort of allergies in my old age. To combat this, my doc has put me on Zyrtec, which pretty much dries my sinuses out. So much in fact, that I think this is why I have gotten so many sinus infections.

Awhile back I was watching Oprah (yeah, yeah, I know) and she had on Dr. Oz, who was talking about homeopathic remedies for sinus problems. One of the things he highlighted was a Neti Pot, otherwise know as a Nose Bidet, which basically "cleanses" your nasal sinuses.

Then about two weeks after that, we had house guests for the weekend, who had recently used Ear Candles, which are supposed to clear out your ear canals.

So, I made a trip to my local Hippie Store and obtained a Nose Bidet and Ear Candles. I decided Sunday was the day to clear out my melon. When the kids went down for their nap, I had my wife help me with the candles.

Now the directions for using the candles are pretty clear. They also make the process sound simple and easy. My wife wanted to conduct the procedure on our back deck, but I vetoed that, choosing to stay inside (did not want the neighbors seeing me with flaming rolled up wax paper hanging out of my ears.

So, I sit on the couch and my wife lights up the candle, which was about 8 inches long. You are supposed to trim the ashes as the candle burns and stop take them out when the flame get 4 inches from your face.

Well, a mere 2 minutes into this ordeal the flame on the candle was about 6 inches high. The first time my wife went to trim the ashes one missed the paper plate I had selected to catch them, and flew on the couch. She hands me the plate so that she can extinguish the ash on the couch and also get the ashes out that have now reached the carpet.

At that point my face is getting hot and things are sort of chaotic, so I blow out the candle. The carpet is still smoldering a bit, so I put the candle on the plate, set the plate on the arm of the couch and go to get a wet towel to help her out.

Upon getting the carpet under control, one of the kids wakes up. My wife, irritated at what has transpired in the last few minutes, goes upstairs to get Lil' Dude. Rightfully, she is slightly upset that there is now a quarter-sized burn mark in the carpet.

I stand there, assessing what has just gone down, and wonder why there is still sooo much smoke. Oh, it's just the candle still smoldering - On the paper plate - ON THE COUCH! I did what any sane husband would do - I covered the baseball sized burn mark on the arm of the couch with a towel, until I could determine her anger level with the smaller, less visible burn on the floor.

Well, she comes down, and is still very upset. Realizing I wouldn't be able to hide the couch, I told her about it. The reaction was pretty tame, but the look of disgust and disappointment said it all. I place the towel back over the burn, and just put my head down in shame.

Lil' Dude walks over, pulls back the towel, and says "Oh No, Fireman come here?"

Needless to say, we didn't finish my Ear Candling. I may try my nose bidet this afternoon. If I don't blog for awhile, I may be dead because either my wife killed me, or I have drown while clearing out my nasal passages.

Baba Ganoush, OUT!

16 comments:

Evil Spock said...

Choco Bear shouldn't stuff himself with so much cocoa that it clogs up his ears.

Jenny! said...

Hey, at least you cleaned the house Saturday night, without that you probably would have been 6 feet under already! Don't you know that hippie remedies are only supposed to be performed by exprienced licensed hippies???

angry ballerina said...

sooo....can your fortify the water in the nose bidet with oooh saaaay a white fluffy powder???

Baba Ganoush said...

ES - .....

Jenny - Good point, and good point! I should have known better than to use something I could only get at Wild Oats!

Angry B - Yeah, if my name were Tony Montana!

Just telling it like it is said...

I am afraid of the ear candles I might light my hair on fire...and that would be tragic...I already have a constant battle with my hair...

JLee said...

hahaha..My friend was going to try the ear candling on me, but I got scared and want to go to a "professional". I think I made the right choice. I saw the segment on the nose thing too and I want to try it! Better than taking those lame allergy drugs that don't work for shit.

Baba Ganoush said...

Just Telling It - Hey, you're a nurse. Are these candles going to work, or am I risking life, limb, and marriage for nothing.

JLee - Did the "professional" do the ear candling on you, or did they do something else. I was going to look in the phone book for a professional hippie, but don't know where to look?????

angry ballerina said...

No, your name is Choco Bear. Choco Bear

HeatherLynn said...

Mr. Ganoush,

Oh, you must report back to me on the nose thing...I want to hear all about it...so I really hope you don't drown.

I've also heard that ear candle thing really works...but this is of course just one man's opinion...but hey, good for you for being brave enough for the alternative. Some people get really freaked out about these things!

Good Luck!
~hl~

sAssY brOwn said...

I tried ear candling once. It was totally gross & totally awesome!

Anonymous said...

Doing that candle thing on couch sound just about like the worst idea ever. I hope you are at least cleared out by now. :)

angry ballerina said...

Hey dickhead, time for a new blog.

Beth said...

I saw that Oprah too! I really want to try the nose bidet...sinus problems run amok in my house. But the candle thing? huh uh, I'd be afraid my hair would catch fire!

sAssY brOwn said...

Where you at guy?

angry ballerina said...

HEY JACKASS! GIT TO IT!

Evil Spock said...

Perhaps Chocobear ate too many chocolate candies and now has a tummy ache.

Chocobear, please get better.