Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I'm Losing My Mind

Good Ole Baba Ganoush is a little confused. There's something that I just don't understand, and quite frankly is starting to piss me off!

I'm doing a bit of a hotel tour while traveling for work this week, which gives me plenty of time to ponder life's little mysteries.

Take a look at the following job descriptions, and tell me which one doesn't fit.

Truck Driver - ISO anyone willing drive for hours on end. Must be willing to sleep where you work. Willingness to not sleep for days desired. A general "scary" appearance and/or disposition a bonus. Preferential treatment will be given to anyone who possesses at least 2 of the following characteristics - over 300 lbs., a chain smoker, ownership of a trailer park home, a beard, darked out glasses, a criminal record, or multiple tattoos.

River Boat Casino Regular - Do you wonder what you are going to do with your Social Security check each month? If so, we have the job for you. Looking for individuals who think they have disposable income, but really don't. You will receive special consideration if you are Asian and can smoke at least 3 cigarettes a minute. If you will commit to playing with your rent and utility money every month, you'll be hired immediately.

Traveling Carny - When is the last time you remember taking a shower? In fact, has the combination of soap and water not willing touched your person in years? If so, we have the position for you! Looking for individuals to travel across the country entertaining people with dangerous rides, rigged games, and fried food. If you have fewer than 10 teeth call today!

Customer Service Representative - Are you fresh off the boat? Do you speak broken English, if any at all? Are you at risk of losing your H1-B Visa? If you answered YES to any of these questions, we need you to help English speaking people with problems and questions via phone conversations. Sound like an unbelievable opportunity, don't worry, we thought so too, but it actually exists. Call today - we have mute people waiting to take your call.

Seriously, if I have to talk with 1 more "customer service" person, who I cannot understand, I am going to lose my mind.

If you see me on the news, you now know why!

Baba Ganoush, OUT!

Monday, February 19, 2007

Oops, She Did It Again

Happy President's Day everyone! I hope you all are enjoying your day! I'm glad to have the day off and all, but I really have nothing to do. The contractors are here finishing their work, which means I can't really leave.

Normally, I'd enter a video game induced coma-like state and not leave the couch, but honestly, I feel a tad guilty sitting on my ass in front of them, while they slave away.

I can't even do what people do when they're home alone - strangers in the house and all. That is what people do when they're home alone, right? I mean doesn't everyone dance around the living room Tom Cruise style? Remember, I am NOT a Deviant!

Knowing her Daddy had an exciting day planned my daughter, who'll be 1 later this week, decided it was time to raise her temp to 101 degrees, and thus, be sent home from daycare.

*****Disclaimers for non-parents*****
1 - My wife had to work today.
2 - I was not about to keep both kids out of trouble all day with a house full of contractors by myself.
3 - Had I decided to have the kids stay home, we still would have paid for the day (don't get me started on that though!!!).

So, don't judge me biatches!

Anywho, I was running an errand for the contractors earlier. Yes, you heard that correctly. I, the person who is already being financially raped by these fine gentlemen, was running an errand for them.

I was approaching the sign to your right. I was in the left lane, while some old guy was in the right. He either A) did not see the sign, B) had no idea what the sign meant, or C) did not give 2 shits about the sign. For those of you that subscribe to B, it means that the right lane ends - please carefully merge to the left lane.

As we approached the "merge" point, it was clear this guy bought into the I'll just stay in my lane and things will work themselves out when it goes away philosophy. This usually works out okay, except when there are other cars next to you in the correct lane.

At this point, he had 2 choices:
1 - Put your blinker on, so someone will let you in.
2 - Speed up or slow down to either get in front of someone or behind them (please note - use of a blinker is still recommended for option #2).

This moron decides he's going to just continue in his present lane, at his current speed, and things should work out.

So, there's me - in the correct lane, and a decision to make. Being an excellent driver, I have already identified this guy as a risk. I know he isn't respecting the sign, nor does he plan to merge safely.

Now, I could be a nice guy and slow down so he can just meander into the correct lane when he has no other choice. While I am NOT a Deviant, I never said I was a nice guy. Especially to morons who get behind the wheel. When Mr. Oblivious realizes his lane is about to end I have already forced him into option #2 - he has to get behind me (most likely sans blinker, as he is stupid).

We are on the highway for a short time, and as I take my exit, Captain Dumbass gives me the finger. Pardon me for not paying proper respect to your stupidity! Ass.

It made me really reflect on one of life's most important Yin Yangs - the sharing of knowledge. We all have something we can learn from each other. We also have learning's we can teach to others.

In that spirit, I will share with you what I learned this weekend:

1) No matter how inviting a proposition, I will not be able to Flip That House!

2) TLC also taught me What Not to Wear.

3) Starting this Thursday - Baby Princess, needs to understand she will not be having a My Super Sweet 16! Seriously, what 16 year old needs a party costing over 6 figures, a new Porsche, and piles of other gifts? Well, I can tell you who doesn't - Baby Princess, that's who!!!

Now for my Yang, otherwise known as enlightening the stupid.

1) If just one person learns something about merging from my rant, I'll be a happy man.

2) If you're a female, and your friends tell you to shave your head, they are not your friends. While there are several good reasons for a woman not to have hair on her head, I'm confident Britney Spears does NOT meet any of that criteria. I've narrowed her most recent outrageous action down to a few different stimuli. Either A) she decided why have hair on my head, when I have none on my cooter, B) she is stupid, C) Anna Nicole's spirit has taken over her body, or D) both A and B.

This is NOT a good look!

I certainly hope she lets her hair grow back before she poses for Playboy, which is undoubtedly the next stop for Trainwreck Britney.

Have a great week everyone.

Baba Ganoush, OUT.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

You Had Me at Hogan

So, we've now entered the time of the year where I engage in my favorite past time. Here are the steps:

1) Attempt to find something to watch on the weekends.

2) Find nothing.

3) Try to justify spending over $200 per month on cable by saying, I would watch Aliens 3, Big Momma's House 2, or Dane Cook if I really wanted to.

4) Repeat steps 2 and 3 for hours on end.

Sunday was quite the day for me. It was my day to get up at the butt crack of dawn with the kids. 6 am comes pretty fast when you stay up until 1 am the night before enjoying the late night programming of Showtime and Cinemax.

So, after being up for just 3 hours, I was given the opportunity to go lay down. I proceeded to nap until 1 pm. Further proof that I'm actually 70 years old.

Upon arising from my geriatric slumber, I began, what I can only refer to as - a mini-love affair with VH1.

I started watching with just about 10 minutes left of The Surreal Life - Fame Games. Now 10 minutes is about all I can take of this show. Had there been 15 minutes left, I surely would have thrown in the towel, and went on to something else. But, 10 minutes was just enough to hold my attention, and transition me to Hogan Knows Best.

As a former Hulkamaniac, I have purposely NOT watched this show. I have seen bits and pieces here and there, but I have never watched a whole show. After putting myself through the shame of Flava Flav, I was not about to tarnish the 24 inch pythons.

I'm not sure if it was the promise of seeing some of the other old time WWF stars, or my desire not to admit defeat at the hands of Time Warner Cable, but I was full-blown glued to the TV for an hour. I must say, I was not embarrassed for The Hulkster at all. He seemed like a very laid back and easy going guy. His show was not at all over the top, and it actually made me see him in a whole new light.

I particularly admired the relationship he has with his son. I can't speak much of his relationship with his daughter (she was not in this episode that much), but he seems to genuinely be "friends" with his son, while still maintaining a high level of respect and authority with him.

I decided to take a VH1 break when they dropped The White Rapper Show on my ass. Come on, seriously? I did, however, decide to DVR the show when I noticed one of the best white rappers of all time, MC Serch, was one of the hosts. I knew I had to make up some time, when I saw I Love New York was on after this show, as I will never, and I mean never watch that show.

I was astray for about 2 hours, but VH1 completed me with Best Week Ever. I didn't realize how good laughing at the more fortunate could be.

Now, to the important stuff. I currently have 2 problems that I am dealing with.

First off, Lil' Dude seems to be developing a stuttering problem. It's only when he uses "I" to start a sentence, but I have counted, at times, at least 8 of them. It's always when he's excited, like - "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I help Daddy with snow blower."

So, question for those of you out there with kids - Is this something that you've experienced, and if so, will it pass? Or, is this one of those things that people will talk about years from now, when they say, "just look how much he has overcome!"

Second problem - my mail carrier. With all the contractors here working on the house, our driveway has been pretty full. A few times, people have parked in front of the mailbox. One day last week, there was a car in front of the mailbox and it was pretty cold here. I kept watching, so I could meet her out there, so she wouldn't have to get out. When I saw her, I rushed out with no coat on. She had pulled past the car by our box to our neighbor's box. I asked her if she had anything for us, and she said yes. While she was handing it to me, I said to her that I wanted to meet you, so you didn't have to get out. She looked at me like, whatever, I wasn't going to get out anyway ass.

Well, yesterday I had to part my car in front of the mailbox. I was not able to watch for her, as I actually had to work. So, I was curious later in the day, if she had left the mail. That would be a negative. I don't know why, but this has my panties all in a bunch. Is it really that much to ask for Newman to get out of her little truck occasionally to deliver the mail? Is it?

I tried to look online to see if I was violating some mailman's code by parking in front of the box, but A) I couldn't find anything and B) I decided that I didn't care either way - I want my mail, even if it means she has to walk her lazy ass all the way up to my front door and hand it to me! I understand it may not be in your job description lady, but whatever happened to going to extra mile (in this case 5 feet) for the customer?

God only knows what would happen to this poor lady if I applied W.W.J.D?

So, there you have it. Gettin' jiggy wit VH1 one day, being stressed out by stuttering children and little miss, I have to be home by noon, mail carrier lady the next.

Baba Ganoush, OUT!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Intro

In an effort to balance my Qi, which is currently all out of alignment, I present to you:

Here's my plan - To blog on a quasi-frequent basis about something that makes me happy (The Good), something that makes not-happy (The Bad), and something that makes me go hmmm (The Ugly).

Hopefully, this will be a little longer lived than my career as a movie critic. So, off we go.....

The Good

It seems like it's been forever since I asked you all for help on my basement project. Well, it pleases me to say that I decided on a floor, picked out colors, and work has begun. 2 days in, and here's what we look like.

That's right, 1 little pipe busts in the wall - several insurance checks later, and the basement has been gutted. Thanks again for the input! I'm excited that this project is finally underway, and I think the finished product is going to be great.

I'll get some pictures up when its all said and done, but until then it's classified.

The Bad

I'm at a little bit of a loss in regards to our childcare. My wife and I decided long ago that one of us staying home was not an option. Well, 2 kids later and we're basically financing a $300,000 home with what we pay for daycare.

We recently got a brochure from Au Pair in America. It looks like an Au Pair would run us around $282 a week. $297, if we wanted one with a 2 year degree.

I don't really think we would ever have someone from a third world country, who speaks quasi-English, live with us, but the savings would be nice. We have seriously considered a live-in nanny, but I would hate to not have Lil' Dude and the other one (no second child syndrome here) lose their social outlet of daycare.

Our little guy loves going to daycare though. I say that, even though this morning, his teacher had to pry him off me kicking and screaming, but he really does like it there. He gets to go and play with friends everyday, and they teach him a little sumthin' sumthin' daily. For example, this week is Dentist Week, where he is learning all about going to the Dentist. Hopefully, he's learning how not to have root canals and crowns.

It was tough when we left Wisconsin and moved here. All of our daycare teachers have been great. I've never once questioned the degree for which they look after our children. I can see their excitement too when they go to see their teachers. I just felt so bad for him. On his last day, he was too young (18 months) to understand that he would never see any of these people again. People, who had looked after him since he was 3 months.

He smiled at them his last day and waved goodbye (one of the many things they watched him learn) like he always did. Who knows if he would even remember them today. And maybe I was just sad for me - at that early of an age, I had already learned that I wouldn't be able to protect him all the time. Because, even if he didn't know it at the time or would remember it months from then, he had just experienced loss. The fact that he didn't know at the time and probably wouldn't remember it only made the situation that more perplexing for me.

The Ugly

First things first - Lisa Marie Nowak. It's scary that a woman, who's obviously off her rocker, managed to become a NASA astronaut. I would make the assumption that if you're crazy enough to wear a diaper in the car so you can make it from Houston to Orlando quicker, in order to maim and/or kill another person, you have probably been whacked out for some time. Just what sort of screening process are we putting astronauts through that this chick made the cut.

Secondly, if you missed last night's American Idol, you spent your time a lot more wisely than I. But, if you did happen to see it, can you please help me understand what in the hell was wrong with Jasmine Holland.

Jasmine weighed every bit of 300 Bills, and was very quiet and shy (at first). She comes strolling in wearing what had to be a homemade white tank top with a pair of red spandex pants cut off just below the knees. Not really a good look to begin with, but when you factor in the enormous camel toe she was rocking, it was just disturbing. Simon and Randy started laughing at her the second she walked in the door. They tried to compose themselves, but they just couldn't stop laughing. I honestly felt sorry for he at first, because she seemed a little slow.

I should have known to look away when her family was standing outside with Ryan holding a "Jasmines are next American Idol" sign.

Jasmine proceeds to sing very poorly causing Randy to choke on his water. Yada Yada Yada, Jasmine is crying. She rejoins her family, who crafted the masterpiece "Jasmines are next American Idol" sign, and proceed to bash the judges. In true "are next American Idol" fashion, who of the family members says, "Simon needs to go back to British." Yes, that's right. Not back to Britain, but "back to British."

Now, I don't claim to be a grammar expert (well, at least not all the time). If I am going to hold a sign on national TV, though, I'm going to go ahead and make sure the spelling and grammar "our" correct m'kay. I guess coming from people, who think it's okay to rock a massive camel toe for millions of people, the little grammar issue was not a big deal.

Baba Ganoush, OUT!

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Let's Get Ready to Rumble

I can't really say I'm a Colts fan, but I did live in Indiana for 11 years. As I've said before, I think it's great we're having an all Midwest Super Bowl.

It should be a great game, and since I have to root for someone, I'm picking the Colts. I honestly think the Colts will win. I think the Colts O and the Bears D will be a wash. In the end, the Colts have a much better Defense than the Bears Offense, which should prove to be the difference.

Now, let's get to the good stuff! I'm going to rate my top 5 Super Bowl commercials, and a few other Top 5s. I'm going to try to do this in real time, but might get a little side tracked with pizza deliveries, refreshing beers, and screaming kids.

Here we go:

My Top 5 SB Commercials

1 - I really liked this Chevy commercial. The best part was formula 1 race car driver Johnny O'Connell rapping along to a song as his car is lowered off a truck.

Chevrolet: Everybody Loves a Chevy

2 - Two guys kissing over a Snickers, classic!

Snicker: Kiss

3 - Budweiser, as always, put out a lot of SB commercials. Most of them were just okay, but I thought this one was really funny.

Bud Light: Rock Paper Scissors Beer

4 - The CareerBuilder.Com commercials were great. This one was the best, but they were all good. The guy in that "promotion pit" that was covered in Post-Its was comedy!

CareerBuilder: Office Jungle Fight

5 - Rollin' VIP baby!

Worst Super Bowl Commercials

1 - The PepsiCo commercials have been terrible. I've counted 2 separate Sierra Mist commercials and 2 separate Doritos commercials. I understand the Doritos commercials were made by people who won contests, but bad nontheless.

And seriously - Sierra Mist? Not Pepsi, not Diet Pepsi, and not even Mountain Dew? Come on now!

4 separate PepsiCo commercials, at how many millions of dollars? It's nice to see my former company utilizing their dollars so wisely. Which is actually why they're my former company.

This Doritos commercial was terrible. First off, you would never see a Family Size product on the same endcap display with regular XL Doritos. Secondly, this display is missing the #1 selling Doritos sku - XL Nacho. Where is the point of sale? Why is the dip merchandised on flex shelving and not a dip shelf? Why is Queso dip not represented on the endcap? Who in the hell picked out the sku mix?

This commercial was not really the worst I saw. However, the people at Frito Lay should be embarrassed by the lack of attention to detail.

2 - GoDaddy.Com enough already. I like hot women and boobs as much as the next guy, but I'm getting really sick of their commercials.

3 - All the crappy CBS commercials for the shows on their network.

What do/did you think?

My Top 5 Random Thoughts

1 - Why in the world do the Bears have a long snapper as one of their captains? Hmm. They just won the coin toss, so maybe he was good luck. Shows what I know.

2 - I am not a huge Prince. I have always liked his music, and have bought the occasional CD. I must say, though, that the halftime show was phenomenal. Prince seems like he is great live. Prince singing Purple Rain, in the rain - does it get any better than that?

3 - The Bear's uniforms look black. I'm sure it's the rain, but they look pretty good. They should dump their alternate orange, and get some black ones.

4 - Too much pizza and beer. I never got to the double chocolate, chocolate cake.

5 - I wonder if the new season of Survivor will be any good?

My Top 5 Game Observations

1 - I was lead to believe the Colts were not going to kick to Devin Hester. They need to NOT kick to him anymore. Kick the ball out of bounds if you have to!

2 - Turnovers, turnovers, turnovers. The Bears are great at creating takeaways, but the rain is really affecting the players' ability to hold onto the ball.

3 - Thru 3 quarters, I look like a genius. Colts O and Bears D are pretty much a wash (actually a slight edge to the Colts O, which is just gravy). The Colts D is marking the Bears O look silly. I haven't been a big fan of the anti-Rex Grossman talk that's gone on much of the year. Rex isn't doing anything to silence his critics today though.

4 - Tony Dungy going for it on 4th down with under 2 minutes was a great decision. Don't give the Bears an opportunity to block the kick, and make Grossman drive 80 yards. Just brilliant!

5 - I should have put some sweet action on the game. Then again, if I had, I'm sure things would have been a little different. Wonder what the over/under was?

Baba Ganoush, OUT!